My trip through Depression land

My Life

My name is Don I live with depression. I was born into a Christian family. We attended Foothill Boulevard Baptist Church in Oakland, CA almost every Sunday of my life. I am grateful for the amount of Bible I learned. I appreciate knowing the words of many old hymns of the Faith. I believe the corporate worship service I grew up with taught me how to read.

My image of God was that of a Big Motorcycle Cop, that thought I stole a bike when I was growing up. He stopped me, while straddling the cycle, he put his big black boot on the manual starter and pulled out a big yellow pencil with one hand and his small, spiral notebook with the other. For years, I thought God behaved like this every time I did wrong, whether I knew it or not. J. B. Phillips talks about a number of inadequate views of God in his book, Your God is too Small. Eventually, I grew up, Karen and I moved, changed churches and Ben was born.

God talks about us as his children. As I watched Ben grow, "as a new born babe", 2 Peter 2:2, I saw how God does look over our shoulder, but he doesn't do it as a cop, he does it as a loving parent. I want the best for Ben. I give him the best advice I've got. I give him the best food I have. This is important because if we start with the wrong image of God, we will come up short in our thinking.

I don't know if I have a bent for depression in my genes, or whether I learned it honestly. I do know how much depression came from being a challenged child, who took years to learn to read. I can remember birthday parties where my mom spent hours making the world's greatest 10 gallon hat, cake. And as I remember it 45 years later, a dandy party with all my friends. I was in my heart of hearts, thinking is this all there is? Do I really have to go through another year of this?

Pictures always show a smile on my face, but a doctor at Kaiser Hospital once told my mother, "This is the most unhappy kid I've ever met." I had a good home. My parents just had there 53rd wedding anniversary. They almost never raised their voice at each other, and then only when we were supposed to be asleep. I had a good home, but I was depressed. Color my first five years: Black.

I fought for breath a good bunch of my first three years. I had pneumonia at least twice, where I was in the hospital weeks at a time. Until I was 12 I took all kinds of horrible medicine that made me high or depressed in order to breathe.

One of the only real fun things I can remember growing up was a week with my friend Steve at Clear Lake, which even in the early 50's wasn't clear. I probably learned how to swim this week and we ate fresh venison. I loved this week with my friend at his cabin.

I failed my first semester of college. It took me five years and a bunch of summer schools to complete college. I felt like a failure every day in class. Everyone seemed to understand. I had asthma and my body wasn't going to make a living, so my brain had to. I would go back to my dorm and hold my head and then read, read, read. I passed college with a 2.02 average. But I passed and graduated.

I thought long and hard about suicide before I married. I knew if I married this girl, who ever she be, she meant it for life. This was quite a complement and I wasn't going to serve her a funeral service. I married Karen.

For years things were too busy to consider anything seriously. How one parent does it I'll never know. We had all we could do to keep house and food up between two scrambling kids.

Several years ago, a good friend, you may meet her at the end of this book as an appendix, casually said, "Bye" I'm going home to kill myself. Figured it out, won't be painful. Nearly did it the other night and should have."

By this time I had a Master's Degree in Bible. My thinking is and hopefully always will be from, "What does the Bible say?" In a flash of Holy Spirit illumination, I said, Don't do that, you can do that any night. Tell me why? Just put it on your floppy and send it back to me through Karen. And for a week I took the opposite viewpoint. While I agreed with her, in my heart of heart that life sucks, we really don't know what is on the other side. It really may be worse if we "cap" ourselves. Hell isn't a two week all expense paid vacation in Barstow.

II. Bible and Suicide.

The logical conclusion to depression is death. Depression is sin, we are told to "Be joyful always (NIV) Rejoice evermore" (KJV), 1 Thessalonians 5:16. The end of sin is death, James 1:15. There are five recorded suicides in the Bible, one "devoutly to be wished." to borrow a line from Hamlet. And several interesting possibilities. Lets take a couple of minutes to look at them.

Jesus Temptation

Matt 4:5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: "`He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'" 7 Jesus answered him, "It is also written: `Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'" (NIV) This passage is also in Luke 4:9-12.

The Devil tempted Jesus to suicide by twisting scripture.

Jesus said no through quoted scripture.

Jesus own words

David Seamands in Healing for Dammaged Emotions, page 41, "Wait a minute, Jesus, What did You say? 'My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death'? Do You mean to say that You experienced such feelings, such emotions and pain in that wretched hour, that You even wanted to die? Do You mean to say, Lord, You understand when I am so depressed that I no longer want to live?"

Phillipian Jailer

Acts 16:27 “The jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped. 28 But Paul shouted, "Don't harm yourself! We are all here!" . . . 30 He then brought them out and asked, "sirs, what must I do to be saved" (NIV)

In the middle of the night, how easy to write, how long the hour if you've been there. The jailer went to sleep having done all he could to complete his job well. Suddenly, everything went wrong. His boss would kill him in the morning for letting even one prisoner escape. Life for life. He would do the honorable thing, "save face". This man had no thought of wife or family, only himself. Why not let the boss kill him, what more could he loose in the morning? In the next verses we find he had a family and it appears they were also saved as they cleaned the disciples stripes.

Note also, the men who should have been depressed weren't. As you read this passage, Paul and Silus had been beaten and put in stocks in the jailers keeping. They hadn't even done anything wrong. Later Paul caused the city fathers great anxiety when they found out who Paul was, and how they had treated him. Paul had every reason for a night of Depression. But they were singing all night until the earthquake, which as we read seems to have come from the excellent attitude of the disciples. Depression is a state of mind that has little to do with circumstances. Depression kills the options. Depression is a choice. it is hard to see beyond the black and white viewpoint. And so the jailer seeing the doors opened only saw one avenue of action. How wrong he was, how wrong we usually are when we are depressed.

Sampson

Judges 16:28 Then Samson prayed to the LORD, "O Sovereign LORD, remember me. O God, please strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes." 29 Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, 30 Samson said, "Let me die with the Philistines!" Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived. 31 Then his brothers and his father's whole family went down to get him. They brought him back and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the tomb of Manoah his father. He had led Israel twenty years. (NIV)

This is an interesting passage, not unlike the next. Samson was in the enemy camp. He got there by his own lust and stupidity. His eyes had been burned out, his strength lost. He prays to God, God gives him the strength to bring down the walls on himself and the enemy. The passage seems to give an almost glowing report of his death. Nonetheless, his family suffered at his death. Suicide hurts the family, and shakes society.

Somewhere I have to discuss Irene. I dated Irene. It is her real name. She was single most of her life. In time her pastor's wife died of cancer and in more time she married a man old enough to be her father. They had a happy marriage, and a little boy. Being the pastor's wife in a city church, she had a man come and talk with her about suicide. In time he shot himself in her presence, the bullet went through his head, he died, and into her skull. She lived with pain for several years, before it moved and killed her.

That isn't the end of the story. The old pastor, with a little boy remarried a third time. The marriage didn't work out. He is old, he is out of the church he started 40 years ago, the people are unhappy he can't be their pastor, he is unhappy. The wife he loved, the child's mother, died all because someone was selfish and used a gun "on themselves." Sometimes suicide kills more than it's intended victim. Take that into God's presence.

Saul and his armor-bearer

1 Chronicles 10:4 Saul said to his armor‑bearer, "Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and abuse me." But his armor‑bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. 5 When the armor‑bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died. 6 So Saul and his three sons died, and all his house died together. (NIV)

Interestingly, in 2 Samuel reporting shortly after the suicide we find the following cause of death.

2 Samuel 21:12 he went and took the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan from the citizens of Jabesh Gilead. (They had taken them secretly from the public square at Beth Shan, where the Philistines had hung them after they struck Saul down on Gilboa.) 13 David brought the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan from there, and the bones of those who had been killed and exposed were gathered up. (NIV)

I believe every word of the Bible. I am not sure how to make sense of this problem. In 1 Chronicles 10 Saul clearly falls on his sword. 2 Samuel indicates Saul was struck down by the Philistines. Without a doubt, even in the 1 Chronicles passage, the Philistines were hot on his trail. They may have taken credit for Saul's death, **since he wouldn't have killed himself if they were not 30 seconds or five minutes behind, to strike him down. Keil and Delitzsch, Vol 2, pg 463 see no problems with any of these statements if you read it in the Hebrew, and they do.

Saul's suicide came at a crisis. He saw the enemy, he saw no way out, he had consulted a witch the night before, he wasn't in a godly mood at all, and he died. Shortly after his death God removed the drout and the rain returned. Glad I wasn't Saul meeting God on the other side of the battle.

Ahithophel

2 Samuel 17:23 When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order and then hanged himself. So he died and was buried in his father's tomb. (NIV)

There is a great deal of "saving face" in eastern cultures.

Every year in Japan a percentage of students that fail the college exam choose suicide. In China, people go to great lengths to help others from loosing face. They will cheat in school, break laws, all in the name of saving face.

In this passage, Ahithophel, on Absalom's side, gave bad advice to David. When Ahimaaz and Jonathan told David the score, he saved himself and his cause by crossing the Jordan. Ahithophel saw his advice was not followed, and David was secure, so he went home and put a rope around his neck. He will be remembered throughout history, for all time as a looser. Because he got depressed and used a rope instead of humor.

No mention is made here of his mother, father, wife or children. Do you want to be remembered in history this way.

"Yea, she had eight sons, and four daughters. Bill died of cancer, Jack in the war, and Pete shot himself, the rest are here at the reunion."

Zimri

1 Kings 16:18 When Zimri saw that the city was taken, he went into the citadel of the royal palace and set the palace on fire around him. So he died, 19 because of the sins he had committed, doing evil in the eyes of the LORD and walking in the ways of Jeroboam and in the sin he had committed and had caused Israel to commit. 20 As for the other events of Zimri's reign, and the rebellion he carried out, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Israel? (NIV)

Can you imagine meeting God at the conclusion of this story? The city is taken, your country is going into slavery. Zimri set his palace on fire, how many servants were killed? Zimri himself feels his flesh burn. He has never been a godly man, and suddenly he is standing before God.

Judas

Matthew 27:5 So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself. (NIV)

Luke allows Peter to finish the story in Acts 1:18 (With the reward he got for his wickedness, Judas bought a field; there he fell headlong, his body burst open and all his intestines spilled out. 19 Everyone in Jerusalem heard about this, so they called that field in their language Akeldama, that is, Field of Blood.) (NIV)

I have always felt that Judas, in such a state of despair took a rope, he didn't care what kind of rope, and it happened to be an old rope, hung himself, at some point the rope broke his dead weight fell and he spilled his guts all over the place. The rope did the job, he died.

We usually paint Judas Iscariot black. But the disciples appointed him the treasure of their funds. Judas was so into money it cost him his soul.

Men at the time of the end of world

Rev 9:6 During those days men will seek death, but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them. 3 And out of the smoke locusts came down upon the earth and were given power like that of scorpions of the earth. 4 They were told not to harm the grass of the earth or any plant or tree, but only those people who did not have the seal of God on their foreheads. 5 They were not given power to kill them, but only to torture them for five months. And the agony they suffered was like that of the sting of a scorpion when it strikes a man. 6 During those days men will seek death, but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them.

Apparently, Gun control will succeed at some point in the future.

Job

Job 3:1 After this opened Job his mouth, and cursed his day. 2) And Job spake, and said, 3) Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived. 4) Let that day be darkness; let not God regard it from above, neither let the light shine upon it. 5) Let darkness and the shadow of death stain it; let a cloud dwell upon it; let the blackness of the day terrify it. 6) As for that night, let darkness seize upon it; let it not be joined unto the days of the year, let it not come into the number of the months. 7) Lo, let that night be solitary, let no joyful voice come therein. 8) Let them curse it that curse the day, who are ready to raise up their mourning. 9) Let the stars of the twilight thereof be dark; let it look for light, but have none; neither let it see the dawning of the day: 10) Because it shut not up the doors of my mother's womb, nor hid sorrow from mine eyes. 11) Why died I not from the womb? why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly? 12) Why did the knees prevent me? or why the breasts that I should suck? 13) For now should I have lain still and been quiet, I should have slept: then had I been at rest, 14) With kings and counsellors of the earth, which built desolate places for themselves; 15) Or with princes that had gold, who filled their houses with silver: 16) Or as an hidden untimely birth I had not been; as infants which never saw light. 17) There the wicked cease from troubling; and there the weary be at rest. 18) There the prisoners rest together; they hear not the voice of the oppressor. 19) The small and great are there; and the servant is free from his master. 20) Wherefore is light given to him that is in misery, and life unto the bitter in soul; 21) Which long for death, but it cometh not; and dig for it more than for hid treasures; 22) Which rejoice exceedingly, and are glad, when they can find the grave? (KJV)

Job had a reason to be depressed. One of the richest men of his time, maybe the richest man on the earth, he was humiliated by having his three friends come to him, sit for a week, and then tell him he was an evil man. Everything he owned was taken, broken or burned.

His wife suggested suicide. (2:9) "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" Sounds like one of the rich ladies on a soap opera, his money was gone, his health was gone, he wasn't glamorous any longer, the children all died. Her fine clothes were ruined, so she looks at him and says, "Hey bud, why are you acting so pious, curse God and die like the kids." Maybe she was suggesting that they both just jump into the broken Cadillac and pump some Hydrocarbons into their lungs. I'm not sure her exact meaning, I do know her words. And she was suggesting an act and then death. To be married to this woman like this might be a good reason to be depressed.

By the way, at the end of the book, once God is done with Job, and he repents, God blesses him with twice as much as he had at the beginning.

Elijah

1 Kings 19:1 And Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and withal how he had slain all the prophets with the sword. 2) Then Jezebel sent a messenger unto Elijah, saying, So let the gods do to me, and more also, if I make not thy life as the life of one of them by to morrow about this time. 3) And when he saw that, he arose, and went for his life, and came to Beersheba, which belongeth to Judah, and left his servant there. 4) But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers. 5) And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. 6) And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again. 7) And the angel of the LORD came again the second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee. 8) And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God. 9) And he came thither unto a cave, and lodged there; and, behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said unto him, What doest thou here, Elijah? 10) And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. 11) And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: 12) And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice. 13) And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah? 14) And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: because the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. 15) And the LORD said unto him, Go, return on thy way to the wilderness of Damascus: and when thou comest, anoint Hazael to be king over Syria: 16) And Jehu the son of Nimshi shalt thou anoint to be king over Israel: and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abelmeholah shalt thou anoint to be prophet in thy room. 17) And it shall come to pass, that him that escapeth the sword of Hazael shall Jehu slay: and him that escapeth from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha slay. 17) And it shall come to pass, that him that escapeth the sword of Hazael shall Jehu slay: and him that escapeth from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha slay. 18) Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him. 19) So he departed thence, and found Elisha the son of Shaphat, who was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen before him, and he with the twelfth: and Elijah passed by him, and cast his mantle upon him.

Ever notice when you are depressed everything seems to be in black and white? As you come out of the depressed state you notice color, flavor, smells, and your thinking is entirely different? You bet. Depression is not "Rejoicing Evermore!" Depression is selfish thinking.

Scripture appears to be giving us some reasons for Elijah's depression. Elijah had just walked up to the King and dared his god, Baal to bring fire from the sky and burn up the sacrifice. Before you tell me this is trite, you walk up to your President and tell him you can bring fire out of heaven, to bring revival to America. Elijah knew his head was on the line. There were 450 prophets of Baal with knives on that mountain.

Who knows how long Elijah had gone before his last meal. It is safe to assume that he had fasted before his trip to Mt. Carmel with the 450 prophets and King Ahab. There were no box lunches or MacDonalds on his trip.

Elijah may have been tired before his trip, he was at a brook, and for the last week or so he had been worrying about his performance on Carmel. Certainly his trip into the desert was tiring. Elijah hadn't taken care of his body. He was tired and under-nourished. God provided a messenger (angel) to take care of Elijah's physical needs.

Good news, God can use people who have been depressed! Once God got through Job, Elijah and Jonah, God could use them again. Here Elijah is told exactly what his next ministry would be, once he stopped, ate the angel's dinner, slept and listened to the small voice.

Jonah

Jonah 4:1 But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry. 2) And he prayed unto the LORD, and said, I pray thee, O LORD, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country? Therefore I fled before unto Tarshish: for I knew that thou art a gracious God, and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repentest thee of the evil. 3) Therefore now, O LORD, take, I beseech thee, my life from me; for it is better for me to die than to live. 4) Then said the LORD, Doest thou well to be angry? 5) So Jonah went out of the city, and sat on the east side of the city, and there made him a booth, and sat under it in the shadow, till he might see what would become of the city. 6) And the LORD God prepared a gourd, and made it to come up over Jonah, that it might be a shadow over his head, to deliver him from his grief. So Jonah was exceeding glad of the gourd. 7) But God prepared a worm when the morning rose the next day, and it smote the gourd that it withered. 8) And it came to pass, when the sun did arise, that God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, that he fainted, and wished in himself to die, and said, It is better for me to die than to live. 9) And God said to Jonah, Doest thou well to be angry for the gourd? And he said, I do well to be angry, even unto death. 10) Then said the LORD, Thou hast had pity on the gourd, for the which thou hast not laboured, neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night: 11) And should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more than sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?

Jonah had a history with God. Tradition tells us that Jonah was the disciple that went looking for rain clouds while Elijah was praying after killing the 450 Baal's prophets on Carmel. Jonah had been thrown up on dry land after disobeying God, and later, having to jump into the Mediterranean Sea. Jonah knew God was powerful.

So he did what God told him to do. He stood on the main intersection of town and said, "Turn or burn", don't expect he used his loudest voice. The people listened, there was a great revival in Nineveh. When God didn't send the fire like he did on Carmel, when the thousands of people were saved, Jonah, was displeased. He was depressed. He didn’t like his job in the first place, and had gone the opposite direction when told to go to Nineveh the first time. What he promised, hadn't happened. He was discredited. He was mad. He was depressed. He told God to kill him. Poor Jonah. Sounds just like me, how about you?

Jonah, was depressed, thinking all about himself up there on the side of the mountain. He didn't have time to think about God's will, or the God's overall plan of the ages. God did. Nahum came along 150 years later, and Jonah's words did come true. Nahum is a small Biblical book of blood, blood and more blood, now that is depressing with a reason. It is also the fulfillment of Jonah’s prophecy.

How then shall we think?

Phil 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable‑‑ if anything is excellent or praiseworthy‑‑ think about such things.

Phil 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (KJV)

I Thessalonians 5:16 Be joyful always; 17 pray continually; 18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 19 Do not put out the Spirit's fire; 20 do not treat prophecies with contempt. 21 Test everything. Hold on to the good. 22 Avoid every kind of evil. 23 May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24 The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it. 25 Brothers, pray for us. (NIV)

James 5:13 Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14 Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (NIV)

Did you find the command to worry anywhere? Did you find God telling you to be depressed anywhere? Paul in Philippians commanded us not to be anxious, worry, about anything, but bring everything in prayer. Paul in 1 Thessalonians puts Be joyful always and pray continually next to each other in two very short verses. Then we are told to give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Doesn't this sound like Romans 8:28-31, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. . . What then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" (NIV) James tells his readers to sing if they are happy, pray if they are in trouble.

There may be other verses that carry out this theme, but this is my diagnosis for cure. These are the verses I have spent years meditating on. At times, I willfully have rejected my ready made humanistic mentality: worry; and made myself pray and give it to God.

It works after a while. Hey, if I think wrong for 45 years, give it three months to begin to change you.

In my life, things came to a head on a Delta Road down about the jog, about 4:30 one morning. The road is absolutely straight for about three miles, except for this jog of 36 feet 3/4 mile from Veale Tract. I had been arguing with God for months if not years. Here I was a MA in Bible, I had started a Christian School and my wife ran it, I had to commute an hour to another school because she couldn't afford me. I didn't make enough money, and God wouldn't let me win the lottery. On and on, my car just cost me $700 to put in a new engine and clutch. I finally got to the jog and stopped. I knew I expected I would be dead in an hour or something had to change: NOW.

I am not afraid to die. I have looked death in the eye a couple of times, one time I laid in the desert all night and thought for a while I was dead. Kinda looking forward to dying if I don't have to make house payments. But I have this thing about meeting God after I murder myself, when he said quite clearly, "Don't murder." So, I got out of my car, stopped in the middle of the road, and made the top of my car my altar. With the door hanging wide open and my foot on the entry rail, I just said, "God I can't do it myself. I hate this depression. You told me to rejoice. I need your help to make me think right. Please help me think right." Doubt it took a minute, I was cold. It worked.

I prayed a prayer much like that every morning for several weeks. For months after, I prayed several times a day, "Oh no, here I go again back into depression. God I hate being depressed, help me think right." It works.

III. The rest of the story

I said at the beginning this is my story. I am not a medical doctor. I have found somethings work to help me stay on top. Elijah was fed by messengers/angels. A good diet does wonders to keep one on "top" of my emotions. I take water soluble vitamins each morning (B and C). I don't eat as well as I would like, and this helps me greatly.

I quit feeling like I was cheating God for sleeping. (Remember the big policeman.) "Redeem the time, because the days are evil." Yea, but I need to sleep. God took all day Saturday off to rest! If God can do it, so should I. If God loved me, he wanted me to sleep. I began sleeping six hours a night, and tried to sleep a lot more than that on weekends. When I am up on my sleep, it is much harder to be in a bad mood, or angry, than when I hardly have time for my feet to hit the hay.

A swift walk around the block will change my thinking and clears out cobwebs. Even sitting in my car I can exercise, Gleem Green taught me I can tighten my stomach, arms, legs, and neck muscles.

I try to talk to someone each day. Sometimes it is on my Amateur radio, moving along the freeway, alone in my car, sometimes it is to a fellow teacher, sometimes to my wife. Sometimes it is about a "new" thing I found in the Bible, sometimes it is about what it would be like to navigate a photon. Sometimes it is about a new corner on internet. Sometimes about current events.

Prayer is one of the most under-rated powers in the universe. Pray every day. Paul tells us to pray without ceasing. Be in an attitude of prayer all the time. I have been praying for one of my bosses off and on for 8 years. A lady in the church knows his wife, and he was in my church for the second time this decade. I fully expect him to be saved, shortly after is wife is saved in the near future, if I will continue to pray. Pray for those in authority over us.

Psalm One tells us to stay away from sin (verse 1). Verse 2 tells us to enjoy God's word. Meditate on it day and night. In the only passage in the Bible using success, the Lord tells Joshua, "7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do no turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. then you will be prosperous and successful." (Joshua 1:7-8)

If your mind is on the babes of Baywatch, you will have only two things on your mind. When the Devil comes to tempt you, you will have nothing to fight him off with.

If your mind is on God's word, you will have the weapons to fight the Lucifer. What should you think about? Questions about God's word, I mentioned a possible problem about Saul above. What does Jesus look like, and compile all the passages on the view of Jesus. Is wisdom a woman or is Proverbs 8 personification? What is the shape of the New Jerusalem. I must give credit here to Ralph Sheinbein my Canadian roommate all summer in ShenZhen, China during the summer of 1994. I could never figure how to meditate, and he got me questioning things. Ever wonder why atoms stay together? Why don't stars collide? What is at the end of the universe? If Gabriel in Daniel 9:21 could make it to Earth in less than 2.5 minutes (the time it takes to read Daniel's prayer) is Heaven the 5th dimension, or did the archangel fly at hyperwarp speeds?

By the way, I rarely watch TV, maybe 2-3 hours a week, or one movie. My crisis on Delta Road occurred after the radio and tape player quit in my car. I rarely listen to AM, FM, or TV as you think of it. Occasionally, as I listen to my short wave radio, I will ask about a satellite, or obscure circuit, this is edifying to me, sometimes I think on these things. Without a doubt in my mind TV causes me to be depressed.

If I eat a pound of Orange slices, I will be depressed in the morning. A lot of sugar in my system causes depression.

I think God has a sense of humor, he made man. Humor is one of the least mentioned, and most powerful tools to defeat depression. Hey, did ya hear about the three couples that got to the pearly gates about the same time. The first guy goes up to Pete and says, "Hey let me in. I've been a good guy. I've helped the environment and worked on little league. Pete says, that isn't all the story, you like booze, you like liquor so much your wife is named Sherry. Pete pushes the switch and couple one falls into obscurity.

The second guy comes up to Pete, a little shaken, but says, You know I should be allowed to enter Heaven because I gave lots and lots of money to the church. Peter says, Yes that is true, but you loved money. You are full of advarce, you even married a woman named Penny. Peter hits the switch and they both fall out of heaven.

The third guy looks at his wife and says, "lets go" it's no use and starts walking toward the trap door. St. Peter looking at them says, "This is your one chance, make the most of it" Still the man slowly keeps walking toward the trap door and he looks back at his wife and says, "Lets go Fanny."

When I really decided to fight depression I bought several joke books and read them and re-read them.

I count my blessings. I don't have a million bucks, I pay most of my bills on time. God has provided a second job, I can do, that helps pay bills. I still have my house. I still have two cars. I have two great adult children, that Love God and attend church with us every Sunday. My wife of 27 years still wants to live with me. My church, with all its warts, is growing, and God is blessing. I was given a contract and asked to return next year, they like me!

Go to Church

Hebrews 9:27 tells us to not forsake the assembling of ourselves together. We should go to church. Many times I feel church was designed to put down all the people doing things in the church, by the people who aren't.

I firmly believe I learned to read, trying to keep up with church hymn book. By trying to read along as the corporate church read a chapter together. As they read, and the pastor read, as one side of the church read and the other side of the isle read scripture and the pages at the end of the hymn book.

If God told me one day, I am still alive because of the silly song, "Count your blessing, name them one by one," I'd believe him. The church music I grew up with isn't my kind of music. I love Jazz, I've always liked progressive jazz. I like the choruses we sing in our church. But the hymns we used to sing, taught music appreciation and theology. Strong theology. We miss much by not knowing and singing the old hymns of the Faith.

Meditate on What God has done for others

Our Church doesn't have a pool to baptize. For the first couple of years we used a spa in a California backyard. Recently, we borrowed another churches building and baptismal tank. We had something like 21 people that told their story of salvation before getting dunked. Little children, a couple of long hairs that had been on drugs for years, Jesus cleaned them up, and now it was time for baptism and get active in Church. On and on the stories went; I was high on the Lord for weeks. It still gives me a good feeling months later. Even more recently, one of those long hairs is going to Bible College to learn more about God. Wow! God is at work.

Sing

Singing is one of the great ways to start devotions. I sit in my car a good chunk of my day. I deliver my paper route, then drive at least 45 minutes each way to and from work. I usually say I drove 94 miles before my first minute of work (teaching.) I see people singing songs from their radio. So listen to your Christian Radio station and sing along. Sing choruses from church last Sunday. Sing songs you learned as a child, just sing. Remember James 5, "If any are happy, sing." Quote verses as you pray. Pray verses. Pray songs. Meditate on God's word.

Natural Revelation

Every look at a tree? Joyce Kilmer? wrote a poem about a tree during WWI just before a bullet got him. [Cook, Roy J. One Hundred and One Famous Poems, The Reilly and Lee Co. Publishers, Chicago, 1958. Page 38.] Have you looked at the some of the thousands of kinds of leaves? How about the way they stand. An Oak and a Pine are trees but Oh, so different. Who made them? Why do they live for hundreds of years? What was going on in Church history when they were three feet tall?

How about flowers, colors, textures, taste, smell. God made all these variations. He gave you a body to feel the wind and rain, sun and calm.

Ever watch a sunrise and realize it is one of God's ways of showing his faithfulness. What would happen if the Sun didn't rise? Many weather persons would criticize God, for not doing a good job. But when he does a good job, no one notices, because it happens every day. And the colors of the sunset...You must recognize the majesty of God by his works in the world we live in.

Ever thank God for a Sun and moon millions of miles apart, yet exactly the same size as we look at them. Of course they are the same size, how could we have eclipses if they weren't the same size.

Ever have a sonogram and look at your heart, liver, guts? How wonderful and .... Ps 139?

Think on these things. Don't sit all day and type words in a computer, or read this book, go look at the grass, trees, dirt, flowers, your wife or loved one, feel, touch, smell. Enjoy a good meal and thank God for life and for all he has given us.

Can You go Fast?

If you want to think right, you need to fast occasionally. Elijah, Daniel and Jesus all fasted. I write this over a large slap of Chocolate cream pie, minus several bites. Some things only come with prayer and fasting. I have found on several occasions I needed to spend several days without food. I put my mind on a Bible verse, or Read the Book, or just prayed. Somethings only come by prayer and fasting. Acts 14:23 Paul and Barnabas appointed elders for them in each church and, with prayer and fasting, committed them to the Lord, in whom they had put their trust. (NIV)

God gave us food, and he gave us a mouth and digestive system. god promises to meet all of our needs, and most of us are still chomping. God expects us to eat. this section of the book is not intended for an excuse not to eat for the anorexia person.

Bibliography

Nave's Topical Bible

David Seamans

Joyce Kilmer

J.B. Phillips wrote a book, Your God is too Small,

J. Gresham Machen wrote about natural revelation in All Nature Sings! [Of Places, A Beka Book Publications, pgs. 412-415, 1991, copied from The Christian Faith in the Modern World, by J.Gresham Machen, Westminister Theological Seminary.]

Word pile, will probably delete the following.

James 5:12 If anyone among you is ....let him sing." Sometimes when I am at my lowest I sing. I sing my prayer. When life's cloth seems like threads that have blown apart in the wind I sing.

"Jesus Loves me this I know, the Bible tells me so"

By the way, you don't need to sing out loud. It is the attitude of the heart. Let me say that again. god wants control of your attitude. Singing praises, virtually forces the mind into subjection to the Spirit.

As I write I am listening to Classic Hymns by Phil Driscoll, Word Records. I believe, although can't prove it that evil doesn't like good music. John 3:19> evil likes dark, and apparently, some types of music. I enjoy Jazz, and J.S. Bach organ music, but when I feel down, or an attack of the "blacks" as I call my deep depression I force myself to sing songs from church and only play Christian music on my CD player.

Think on These Things

1 Tim 1:4 Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies, which minister questions, rather than godly edifying which is in faith: so do. (KJV)

Titus 3:9 But avoid foolish questions, and genealogies, and contentions, and strivings about the law; for they are unprofitable and vain. (KJV)

1 Tim 6:20 O Timothy, keep that which is committed to thy trust, avoiding profane and vain babblings, and oppositions of science falsely so called: (KJV)

Job 1:6 One day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them. 7 The LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?" Satan answered the LORD, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it." (NIV)

Job 2:1 On another day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him. 2 And the LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?" Satan answered the LORD, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it." 3 Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason." 4 "Skin for skin!" Satan replied. "A man will give all he has for his own life. 5 But stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face." 6 The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life." (NIV)

Gal 5:15 If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. 16 So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17 For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law. 19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self‑control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. (NIV)

Heb 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (NIV)