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From: "liam phillips" <liammail@optusnet.com.au>
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
Subject: bathing in human soup
Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2000 01:58:37 +0930

For those of you who may remember my 'tardwatch' post, the second performance by the tard theatrical company was changed at the last minute to 'The Wizard of Oz', and rescheduled. I was able to catch the last twenty minutes after work - post on said performance is forthcoming.

Anyway, the month of september has provided me with a tale, truly awful, truly horrible, uproariously funny, and completely and utterly tasteless.

The tale concerns a friend of mine, also named Liam, who being bright eyed, niave and full of human compasion, decided a career in the police force was in order. So, Liam has been training hard and has begun in the last few months his illustrious career as a boy in blue (or khaki, as is the colour of the cop uniforms here in the Northern Territory, resembling military uniforms. Very apt).

Now up here in the NT we only have two seasons, each lasting six months. For one of these seasons it is cool and crisp at night but very hot during the day. This is called the Dry Season. The other six months brings with it rain and monsoon weather, cyclones and humidy that will make you adhere to anything you happen to touch. This is, strangely enough, called the Wet Season. The wet season makes people do stupid things - crime rates increase, suspensions from schools double, and more an more people kill themselves.

One particular chap who had had enough of life decided the best way to do it would be to drive his car way out into the bush, where he could gas himself in complete seclusion. And there he stayed for three days in blistering hot weather until someone called the cops about a car that seemed to be abandonned but was ommiting a strange odour. Enter Liam and an entourage of police.

This was Liam's first body, and the other more seasoned coppers were adament to make it a memorable experience for him. Liam says the first thing he noticed was that the windows were entirely black with flies, and he could smell the pungent stench from a good 50 metres away. The drivers' side door was opened, and Liam says the body looked 'fat and bloated, like it was pumped up with air'. The police, being happy to pass the job of corpse removal to another party, decided to call the undertaker to come and collect the body.

The undertaker arrived, and being annoyed at being given the task, and the long drive, dove straight in and grabbed the corpse. Liam said that he actually heard the body 'pop', and watched as all the fluid which had been collecting at all of the lowest parts of the body, spilled out and began to form in pools on the seat and the floor of the car. The undertaker, now furious, shoved the body in a bag and left almost as quickly as he had arrived. Needless to say the Police thought this whole thing was hugely funny.

Now came the task of moving the vehicle. The deceased, as he had died and slumped forward, had knocked the column shift gear lever, taking it out of nuetral. The passenger side door could not be opened, as suicider had parked the two door utility right up against a very large tree. So, the situation was that someone would have to lean over the driver's seat and put the car back in nuetral so it could be towed away. The detective asked the Sargent, the Sargent asked a Constable, the Constable looked to the probationary rookie.

So Liam, steadying himself with one arm against the roof of the car, and his feet firmly rooted in the ground, leant into the car, over the large puddle of dead human fluid on the drivers seat, barely a foot below him. He moved gear stick, and then he says, things 'moved as if in slow motion.' It seems his forearms were very sweaty, and therfore very slippery. His arm on the side of the car roof gave way, and with his other hand on the gear stick, he had nothing to steady himself with. Before Liam knew it, he had landed face first into the sickly mess of three day old dead human body fluid on the drivers' seat.

He says he could feel the soup go into his every pore, into his eyes, filling up his ears, down into his nostrils. He removed himself from the car, to the sound of police in uncontrollable fits of laughter. After throwing up everything in his stomach, and then dry-retching, the police determined he smelt too bad to travel in the car, and so he was relegated to the paddy wagon (a car with a cage for prisoners on the back). Where he had to sit, drenched in dead human fluid, for an hour before they passed the first fire hydrant they came to and blasted Liam with jets of water for a good half hour.

Liam has given up meat for the time being, and says he can only manage some fruits and vegetables. Stews, casseroles and any sauce of any kind is out for the time being. Other than that he's progessing well, or so his counsellor says. He keeps telling us that she says he'll be 'right as rain' in no time at all. we all know the truth though - he's undoubtably fucked for life, and in such an amusing way as well.

ObT: He kept his mouth closed. Imagine taking a gulp of that.
imagine what he tasted when he licked it off his lips.