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Post: 12369 of 12379
From: cscmd@lux.latrobe.edu.au (Mitch Davis)
Subject: Love is a Cane Toad
Date: Sat, 24 Apr 1993 08:41:28 GMT
Organization: La Trobe University
Lines: 110

Dear a.t friends, I would like to propose to you that we adopt the cane
toad (bufo marinus, originally from Jamaica, but now most populous in
Queensland, Australia) as the a.t official mascot.  Reproduced below
are some snippets from a book called "Cane Toads - An Unnatural
History".  It's got some great bits in it:

p.40:
Cane toad passion casts its glow upon a diverse range of subjects,
including feet, hands and even hunks of mud.
On December 27, 1959, on a dirt road  three miles east of Bingal Bay, an
adult male toad was observed during amplexus [coupling] with an adult
female toad.  At least three factors appeared quite unique about this
situation.  First, the female was _dead_ and had been for quite some
time.  It appeared as if she had fallen victim to a car.
The limbs were already stiff, abdomen greatly distended and the smell of
putrefaction about her.  Next, it appears strange that the male should
be so intent as to fail to notice the female's condition.  and last, the
time and place we encountered this pair was unusual.  It was at 1400
hours on a sunny afternoon-in the middle of the road (and no water in
sight for the depositing of eggs if that could have been even remotely
possible).  The sexual drive appears strong enough in these toads to
explain his accepting her, but his continuance through a possible eight
hours of daylight does seem rather strange" - Daniel Wilhoft, Fulbright
Scholar.

Being the faithful a.t member I am, I recently caught up with the
aforementioned randy old toad, and notified him of the state of his
partner-de-amour.

"Dead", he said.  "Hey, I thought she was ENGLISH!!!" :-)

p.45: (complete with picture)
Sex-crazed toads could have strangled at least 22 large goldfish
belonging to the president of the Townsville aquarium society Paul
DeVine.  [...] According to Mr. DeVine, the toads could be attempting
to mount the goldfish, mistaking them for female toads, and covering
their gills with their front paws, strangling or suffocating the fish.
[...] James Cook University Zoologist Dr. Ross Alford, says that the
strangling theory is possible, as male canetoads have been known to
drown females while trying to mate.  "Three or four males will hold the
female under water until she drowns", he said.

p.46:
Imagine having to mow a lawn with one cane toad to every 2 square
metres.  That so simple a task as mowing a suburban lawn once or perhaps
twice a week could become an exercise in cane toad slaughter with all
the trimmings of carcasses, guts, and stench is not a figment of an
overstimulated imagination.  That's how it _is_.

p.56:
Some of 'em are mating-mating right here in front of me-right here on
the lawn.  They sit at my feet.  They jump up on my feet where I sit
most nights.  I encourage 'em.

p.57:
Early in '47 we had moved to the cause.  One morning, when our youngest,
not quite two years old, was on his way back from the WC down the
backyard, we heard a fearful scream.  I raced out to find him confronted
by a thing the size of a football and, to my mind, oozing venom and
viciousness... A quick grab and I had the laddie safe, if shaken, in the
house.  THE TRUSTY RIFLE WAS THE ONLY MEANS OF ATTACK, BUT AFTER
ABSORBING MANY ROUNDS, THE THING STILL SQUATTED, DAMAGED BUT UNMOVED.
Next best thing was to grab a sheet of corrugated iron for a shield and
the wood axe.  WITH MANY A QUICK DART AND A LUNGE, I WAS ABLE TO REDUCE
IT TO MINCE MEAT. [My CAPS]

p.64: Story about alterboys bashing toads to death on a church-run camp.
"In a scene reminiscent of Lord of the Flies, we would march out into
the night and belt the cane toads to death.  It established once and for
all the loss of my innocence".

p.65: Four recipes, tested by "a daring Queensland friend who requests
that she remain anonymous".  Give the gal a newsfeed!

p.70:
At the Drug Squad in Brisbane a Heinz baby food jar carried the label
"Venom cane toad, hallucinogenic, bofotenine".  Inside the har is a dry
flaky crystallized brown substance with an obnoxious odour.  The
substance is dried toad skins, which naturally include bufotenine.  It
can be shredded and put into a hookah or a pipe and smoked.  It's said
to have an intense hallucinatory effect that lasts for several hours.
Listed as a dangerous drug in Shedule 2 of Queensland's Drug Misuse Act,
which carries a maximum penalty of life imprisonment.

p.86: A Uni of Qld undergrad has estimated that 200 tons of cane toad
flesh is squelched into Qld roads every years.  Says a Cairns resident:
"I line them up with the driver's side front wheel.  It's not quite as
easy as it used to be with the big fat tyres on the RX4 Mazda,[*] but I
seem to be able to get most of the ones I line up on the right-hand side
of the road.  I know I've made a clean kill, particularly if the toad is
facing towards the vehicle, because the air that's inside the toad is
trapped within the head and blown out towards the back end and the toad
goes off with a bang-like a balloon going off.
[*] He now drives a Volkswagon Kombi-van.

And to top it off, on p.35 there's a picture of a toad smoking a
cigarette, with the quote "Those Buffalo Merinos [bufo marinus] could
really smoke - they really loved them!"

So a.t'ers, I put it to you - should we adopt this hideously wondrous
animal as our mascot and emblem?  Folks, I urge you to say "yea", for
what have we to lose except our inhibitions?

Mitch.
Melbourne Australia.


Original post:
>Article 91228 of alt.tasteless:
>Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
>From: organs@backdoor.com
>Subject: A tale for our time (long)
>Message-ID: <9402061458.A3515wk@backdoor.com>
>Organization: Back Door Comp Svcs Inc
>Distribution: world
>Date: Sun, 06 Feb 94 14:58:28
>Lines: 228


>             LA CHUNDERENDOLA
 
>Once upon a time in a strange land called Pennsylvania, there
>lived a cruel widow stuck with three children, two by her former
>marriage and one from an unhappy lay by an itinerant named
>Abernathy. Naturally, the widow doted on her own two first-
>begotten, and ignored the third, poor [F7]little[F8] Babs. To
>make matters worse, the two spoiled sisters gave Babs a pretty
>bad time too, and took to calling her "Chunderella". Babs was
>forced to take a menial data-entry job at a local institution
>devoted to [F7]correcting the mistakes of local parents[F8], but
>Babs found this boring, and Squicken[tm] was a _hard_ program to
>master.
===============================================================
deleted, most of you have already seen either the original or the
repost which was in the AT reposts:

From: weberm@freenet.scri.fsu.edu (Mike Weber)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
Subject: AT94-05.txt (Weber's Archive) (LONG!!!)
Message-ID: <199412010330.AA09187@freenet3.scri.fsu.edu>
Date: 30 Nov 1994 21:30:47 -0600
===============================================================

>
>Well! Imagine Babs' delight when the limo pulled up, and a really
>handsome, good-looking buffed young man got out and asked for
>her. "Let me escort you to the car", he said chivalrously. Lucky
>the stretched limo had double doors! With much effort, the
>handsome man stuffed Chunderella into the rear seat, then took
>his place behind the wheel, for he was the chauffeur. Babs found
>herself surrounded by opulence, but in the seat beside her was an
>indescribably ugly old man, warts and zits all over his face and
>neck, scraggly hair creeping out from beneath his shirt collar.
>He was bald, smelled bad, and had on a cheap naugahyde suit; from
>his crotch protruded a leather cod-piece of remarkable
>dimensions.
>
>"Gee", said Chunderella, "I thought you were a wealthy Prince."
>
>"Tee hee", replied her escort, "that post of mine was a forgery.
>But never mind: you have the good fortune to be in the
>unforgettable presence of the inimitable and never-to-be
>forgotten daniel j karnes. Driver: make haste to the boink, and
>don't play with yourself on the way! And remember, this rented
>limo has to be back in the shop by 11:30 sharp, or I have to pay
>extra".
>
>--->Gentle readers: I leave it to you to finish this story. Among
>the things I think might happen at the Boink:
>
>   David Tay drinks champaign from Chunderella's boot, wins the
>   distance spewing contest but dies from salmonella from the
>   cowdung;
>
>   A. Lizard has an arm amputated when he cannot retrieve it from
>   Chunderella's pussy;
>
>   John Caldwell turns inside out, but wins the prize for the
>   largest grogan shat at the boink;
>
>   Roy Radow leaves early because everyone there is over age;
>
>   daniel j karnes reveals himself as the cocksucker to end them
>   all and ODs on cum;
>   et cetera _ad nauseam_
>
>And Chunderella? She leaves a boot behind of course, but no one
>ever comes to claim it, and wicked old stepmother Abernathy beats
>her to a pulp for losing it. The limo driver disappears never to
>be seen or heard from again except on a.p.ads, and Chunderella
>ends up going home with her old paal...
>
>             *********************
>
>Cross-posting permitted with attribution.

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