Date: Mon, 10 Mar 1997 18:53:40 -0800 From: Kindred Warnrer Organization: Totally Owned By Dachshunds To: "A.Lizard" Subject: Re: hey you gecko sucking monster:>... --------------------------------------------------------------- Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil > Overlord: 1.My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. 2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. > 3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. > 4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies. > 5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. > 6.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before filling them. > 7.When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible." > 8.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. > 9.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. > 10.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. > 11.I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. > 12.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. > > 13.I will be secure in my superiority. > Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by > leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my > weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. > > > 14.I will not waste time making my enemy's death > look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to > anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. > > 15.I will make it clear that I do know the > meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not > show them any. > > 16.One of my advisors will be an average > five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he > is able to spot will be corrected before > implementation. > > 17.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. > > 18.My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will the be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. > 19.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. > 20.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate > when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. > > 21.I will design all doomsday machines myself. > If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I > will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to > never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. > 22.I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." > 23.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. > > 24.I will not have a son. Although his laughably > under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily > fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a > crucial point in time. > > 25.I will not have a daughter. She would be as > beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the > hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her > own father. > > 26.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I > will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so > occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected > developments that a more attentive individual > could adjust to accordingly. > > 27.I will hire a talented fashion designer to > create original uniforms for my legions of terror, > as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make > them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman > footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were > eventually defeated and I want my troops to have > a more positive mind-set. > > 28.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect > of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy > field bigger than my head. > > 29.I will keep a special cache of low-tech > weapons and train my troops in their use. That way > -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my > power generator and/or render the standard-issue > energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be > overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears > and rocks. > > 30.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my > strengths and weaknesses.Even though this takes > some of the fun out of the job, at least I will > never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM > INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually > instantaneous.) > > 31.No matter how well it would perform, I will > never construct any sort of machinery which is > completely indestructable except for one small > and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. > > 32.No matter how attractive certain members of > the rebellion are, there is probably someone just > as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. > Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a > prisoner sent to my bedchamber. > > 33.I will never build only one of anything > important. For the same reason I will always carry > at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. > > 34.If my supreme command center comes under > attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my > prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from > there. I will not wait until the troops break into > my inner sanctum to attempt this. > > 35.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage > from which it cannot escape and into which I could > not accidentally stumble. > > 36.Even though I don't really care because I > plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who > are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough > that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground > for no good structural reason. > > 37.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and > so throw my enemies into confusion. > > 38.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, > no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land > will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will > surely give up and abandon their quest if they > have no source of comic relief. > > 39.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm > will be replaced with surly, world-weary > waitresses who will provide no unexpected > reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero > or his sidekick. > > 40.Any and all magic and/or technology that can > miraculously resurrect a secondary character who > has given up his/her life through self sacrifice > will be outlawed and destroyed. > > 41.I will not fly into a rage and kill a > messenger who brings me bad news just to > illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers > are hard to come by. > > 42.I will see to it that plucky young > lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent > of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some > monument in the main sqaure of my capital and > denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, > rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the > citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever > comes along. > > 43.I won't require high-ranking female members > of my organization to wear a stainless-steel > bustier. Morale is better with a more casual > dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from > black leather will be reserved for formal > occasions. > > 44.I will not employ devious schemes that > involve the hero's party getting into my inner > sanctum before the trap is sprung. > > no comment on the evil dark overlord? Any fantasy/SF writer who uses these as guidelines will be forced to do some original thinking for a change. A.Lizard