My apologies. I had to put this page up in an EXTREME hurry, I
didn't have time to do this right. An improved version will be
here REAL SOON NOW.

OFFENSIVE BIBLE VERSES

In Exodus 33:22 & 23, God moons Moses
"And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back
parts. . ." (Context: God having a conversation with Moses. Moses
was wondering what God looked like.)

"My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my
bowels were moved for him. I rose up to open to my beloved. .
."Song of Solomon 5:4-5

The Lord promised: "Therefore, behold, I will bring evil
upon the house of Jeroboam and will cut off from Jeroboam him
that pisseth against the wall..." -I Kings 14:10 [on the floor or
ceiling was OK?]

"Wherefore my bowels shall sound like a harp for Moab, and mine
inner parts for Kirharesh." -Isaiah 16:11
Anybody like to tell me that this isn't a sexual context? This
fails both the "excretory organ" and "sexual organ" reference
tests.

"And Lot went out at the door unto them, and said do not so
wickedly. Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known
men, let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to
them as is good in your eyes, only unto these men do nothing..."
Genesis 19:7-8

Modern translation:
"I've got a couple of virgin daughters. PLEASE take them and gang
rape their brains out, just don't bother my VIP house guests."
This is probably quite a bit closer to what Lot REALLY said to
the mob around his place as well. Very few people are inspired to
weasel words by the presence of a hostile mob. Terseness is
indicated in cases like this.

"Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill
every woman that hath known men by lying with them. But all the
women children, that hath not known a man by lying with them,
keep alive for yourselves." Numbers 31:17-18
OK, let's see a straightforward translation of this verse into
modern English, starting with how a barbaric primitive who's
never even heard of a gynecologist checks a 6 year old girl for
virginity. However, under the terms of the CDA, discussion of
mass murder in gory, graphic detail is perfectly all right. Isn't
it nice they've left us something to talk about?

"God went in for anal humor: He gave one group bleeding piles when
they made him mad. I Sam 5:6 through 12. The cure for bleeding
piles is in I Sam 6:4 through 17. ... Emerods = Hemorrhoids ..."

I got this from a mailing list I'm on, and checked the verses.
Here they are:

"But the hands of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he
destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, even Ashdod and the
coasts thereof." I Samuel 5:6

As a public service, I replaced "emerods" with hemmorhoids after
this.

". . . and he smote the men of the city, both small and great,
and they had [hemmorhoids] in their secret parts." I Samuel 5:9

"And the men that died not were smitten with the [hemmorhoids];
and the cry of the city went up to heaven." I Samuel 5:12

I can imagine that it would have. Would Preparation H have
helped? Here is how they were cured.

"Then said they, 'What shall be the trespass offering which we
shall return to him?' They answered 'Five golden [hemmorhoids],
and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the
Philistines; for one plague was on you all and on your lords.
Wherefore you should make images of your [hemmorhoids], and
images of your mice that mar the land. . ." I Samuel 6:4-5

"And these are the golden [hemmorhoids] which the Philistines
returned for a trespass offering; for Ashdod one, for Gaza one,
for Askelon one, for Gath one, for Ekron one;" I Samuel 6:17

Would a .GIF of the offerings qualify as porn? Or the scene
where a local artist is making wax images of the hemmorhoids
working from a local model?

If anybody with more artistic talent than I've got would like to
illustrate this, I'll be happy to link that illustration to my
home page. Anyone know a site link to an UNEXPURGATED Bible
dictionary?
                                             A.Lizard