The following is a post to the alt.barney.die.die.die newsgroup I put there on 3/22/98, after spending a few days there... bored beyond belief. (OK, some of the personal attacks on me were entertaining, it gave me the chance to write a flame or two.) I only stayed that long because I had affectionate memories of the old anti-Barney newsgroups. Some seriously demented and fun people... who believed that Barney really did need to be taken off the air as a danger to children. (Read the Jihad FAQ... some stuff from "the good old days" has remained intact, a section is linked to the text here. Simply ignore the role-playing game bullshit.) Given the quality of the people on the newsgroups now, I can see why the original people left. My after-the-fact comments on the text are [bracketed].
Let's put it this way. Even the spammers rarely bother with this newsgroup, and as far as I can see, it isn't because the people are so ferocious that they all know it's safer to leave them alone.
I did some minor editing to take advantage of the fact that this is a Web page and I can put in links instead of telling readers what to type in.
Quoted Post Begins
I made a major mistake when I returned here. I assumed that what
I saw on these newsgroups was due to psychological fatigue
induced by years of struggle in a cause pretty much acknowledged
as hopeless. Since I thought getting rid of B&F was in fact
impossible just like the rest of you, I shoved Barney into my
"pending" file and forgot about the problem as such for a few
years.
I dropped back in here to see if anyone else had come up with
anything that might actually work. When I came up with a
solution, I shared it with the rest of you. I figured that
changing the odds in a fight against the Lyranians [reference to
the Lyons Group LLP, the owners of the Barney intellectual
properties] from hopeless to a long shot might put some meaning,
purpose, and backbone into this scene. What I did NOT realize is
just how much the scene had changed between when I departed and
now, and that the basic user population, intents, and purposes
had changed.
[Note: the newsgroup users actually call the Lyran Group members
Lyrans. I changed this to Lyranians to take advantage of the
current hostility towards the Iranian government... and because
it's a funnier word.]
While this post may exceed the attention span of many of you
who've spent entirely too much time watching a certain children's
TV show... read it all anyway. It's GOOD for you, like EATING
HEALTHY SNACKS.
This is what I've discovered:
The Jihad is (pick one):
a. A Barney products user group comprised of older teens and
adults who watch the Barney & Friends TV show and purchase
Barney(tm) products for your own personal use. The "War on
Barney" is used for "justification" for the consumption of
Barney(tm) products, but it's as phony as the "War on Drugs", you
buy and watch this stuff because you have actually come to like
it. Your "opposition" to Barney is now totally formalized and
without meaning. You really HAVE been assimilated.
b. An obscene and mildly pathetic circle jerk made up of persons
addicted to masturbatory fantasies about the bloody and painful
demise of the primary characters on a children's television show.
For evidence, note the hysterical anger, personal hatred, and
even threats of violence that resulted when I proposed using live
ammo to obliterate the object of your fantasies. Rather like
trying to take shoes away from a foot fetishist. Yes, I SHOULD
have known better, but I misunderstood the situation.
[I proposed that the results of public sources background
investigation of the people behind the show and a frame-by-frame
analysis of the program for subliminal / hypnotic content fed to
my media contacts might provide sufficient evidence to create
sufficient public outrage to blow it off the air. Or not, but
someone really ought to look. From the reaction, I might have
been posting pornospam... I also suggested that humor and good
publicity might result from modifying the content of the Official
Barney Web Site. People actually reacted with horror!]
c. "The oldest joke on Usenet". Unfortunately, you have lived
with it for so long that you have forgotten that there really is
supposed to be a point to a joke. You aren't playing a joke on
the rest of us, you ARE a joke on yourselves, and you aren't
funny anymore.
d. The co-creators of a science fiction military subgenre. The
bad news is that you've gotten so far from your basic
psychological energy source (hatred of the Purple Dinosaur) that
your stories have gotten drab, lifeless, and so self-referential
that they have become unreadable for outsiders, even ones that
detest Barney & all his friends. Rather like reading Unix man
pages for a novice without cheat sheets. Or having dental work
done without anesthesia. Try some REAL military SF written by
professionals. I recommend Pournelle (The Mercenary series),
Heinlein (Starship Troopers, book, not movie), David Drake
(Hammer's Slammers).
[Some of the old Jihad fiction is imaginative, funny, and
violent. I tried to read some of the new stuff. All it really
lacks is entertainment, literary, and social redeeming value. The
only good thing about it is that it's decreased in quantity as
well, apparently it's equally boring to write. Or the more
prolific recent people are too writing software manuals to post.
The kind of manual that has you frantically trying to reach
customer service right after opening it because the book makes no
sense and you've GOT to get that program running.]
[A "Jonathan Fnord" told me after this post in e-mail that I'd
incorrectly assigned a literary sub-genre to the Jihad RPG stuff. I
now agree with him. He was offended. So what? The substantive
points above, i.e. that the material sucks from the POV of a
non-Jihaddi (or should that be non-spongie?) he didn't argue.]
e. A group of people who claim to oppose Barney products because
they are bad for children, (well, that's what the FAQs say...)
but from their actions, don't appear to believe that B&F
programming is any worse than the average children's TV show,
note the hostility that resulted when I suggested that B&F
"values" are the sort that make life easier for pedophiles. (If
you'd like to know where I got that idea, I've seen a couple of
the shows... and more to the point, I got the idea around
here...)
[Actually, I got the idea out of the FAQ. A search with keywords
+Barney +FAQ +pedophile at Altavista should pull it up.]
f. Living proof that overexposure to B&F television programming
and marketing really IS bad for people, adults as well as
children. This may be the root cause of all the other problems I
see. I suppose it's unfortunate that the Jihad had to sacrifice
the higher mental functions of its collective membership to prove
it... I'm just glad I didn't join it several years ago, else
(shudder) I might be one of you casualties. We used to JOKE about
spongies. From what I see here, spongies are no longer even
mildly funny. I also had sense enough to stay the hell out of
Vietnam. Intelligence is a survival trait, people. Develop some.
g. A bad habit.
h. Useless to both the general population and to yourselves.
There are healthier reasons to congregate. Find some.
i. A group that is now embarassing and degrading to be associated
with, even remotely. At this point, I wouldn't accept the
leadership of a Jihad organization if it came with a six figure
salary paid in real money and a personal T-1 and neither would
any other rational person.
j. All of the above.
BTW, if you'd like sources for "A Stranger is a friend you've
never met", ever read any of the Jihad FAQs? And the suggestion
that B&F makes life easier for pedophiles is STRAIGHT OUT OF THE
FAQ. Disown it if you like.
[I may be the first person in the history of Usenet to be flamed
by the regular posters on a newsgroup for publically agreeing
with their FAQ and suggesting the posters should act on the
contents. Maybe not, Dejanews has stated that they're planning on
extending their archives all the way back to post #1.]
[To the members of af4d that are reading this document. Unless
you mark your posts in such a way that Dejanews won't archive
them, your postings to Usenet are now part of permanent record,
available to potential employers, friends, relatives, enemies,
and anyone else who can use a browser. Any stupid remark you have
ever made on a newsgroup will be available in the next few years.
I'm looking forward to being able to read all my posts from '91
to now without having to search my hard drive. Can you say the
same?]
Here's
the URL at Dejanews
Before you fire up your Web browser, try simply double-clicking
the URL from within your news reader... whether you know it or
not, some will automatically link to your browser. (do this
whether the URL is highlighted or not...)
[Remember, the original of this document was a Usenet post... I
assume you're reading this with a browser, but I know this works
from WINVN, try it from whatever you're using.]
SO YOU'RE NOT A SPONGIE?
[Spongie means fanatic Barney lover... one whose brains have
turned to sponge.]
Not all of you fit the Jihad profile I describe above, and I
think you know who you are. I suggest you get out of here, start
some Web sites and restricted mailing lists... drop by here to
recruit because this is where people who despise Barney are going
to show up when they finally get on Usenet and look for
like-minded people... and recoil in shock when they see what's
here. Don't announce out here what you are doing, the Lyranians
are perfectly adequate opposition without adding the remnants of
the Jihad to your list of problems. And drop the name Jihad, like
the word "liberal", it has been dishonored by its users, the
problem can't be fixed. However, perhaps Barney CAN be made to go
away. Nail him if you can and break up, lest you become
assimilated, with nowhere to go for a Barney fix.
[I was wrong. Even if the Lyran Group facilities were destroyed
by angry mobs and stores featuring Barney paraphenelia were
forced to return it to the manufacturer, there would still be
collections of that garbage in the bedrooms of the current
members of the "Jihad". I didn't say anything about non-spongies
destroying Jihad e-mail addresses.]
The sanest and most interesting posts I've seen since I got back
here were the bunny posts. Surrealism coupled with potential real
world annoyance value for the Lyranians... you know, the people
who are supposed to be your enemies. Excellent... and out of
place here.
[After I posted the phone number and address for The Lyran Group
on the newsgroup, some people suggested sending them boxes filled
with live bunnies. LOTS of them. Not everyone on this newsgroup
is totally brain-damaged.]
*** It is time to pull the plug on the Jihad. ***
For those of you who DO fit the Jihad profile... I recommend that
for the sake of what's left of your mental health:
1. Desubscribe from these newsgroups. ALL of them.
2. Dump the addresses of anyone you met through the Jihad, the
exceptions being people you are now professionally associated
with and / or which with you are currently sleeping. For the
exceptions, find ANYTHING but Barney to discuss. Sex [REAL, with
consenting adults, and not involving Barney artifacts misused as
sex toys, and above all, NOT fantasy sex involving The Purple
One, even if it involves grotesque mutilation] and occasionally,
work can be fun topics. Rediscover them.
3. Erase all your HD files that mention Barney in any way. To
help in finding them, I've placed my favorite DOS text-in-file
search tool on my Web site:www.ecis.com/~alizard/files/lookfor.com
. It supports full Boolean searches. If you're a Mac user, sorry...
the Mac stuff won't be on my site until I get one of my own.
[If you're a Wintel user, download and run it, unless you've got
something better. It's not quite as good as the Altavista search
engine, but it's a hell of a lot better than what's built into
any Win "OS" if you've got thousands of files to look through and
you have no clue as to where the file you need is.]
4. Destroy your Barney artifacts. ALL of them. Erase your
videotapes and put something as unBarneylike as possible on them.
Porn might be a good choice. Burn or shred your Barney dolls and
pictures and any print material, books, marketing materials, etc.
While I'm opposed to air pollution, in this case, the value of a
ceremonial burning of your personal links to your Purple Friend
outweighs the pollution count. If you're in a pollution-control
zone where burning is forbidden and you get caught, simply pay
the fine. It's worth it.
5. Erase your Barney personal Web pages.
6. If you still find Barney in your thoughts, get professional
help.
[If the above looks like deprogramming procedure to you, have a
virtual cigar!]
It's been an interesting last few days. I'd like to thank the
people who've flamed me for the entertainment value inherent in
composing the replies. I enjoy flaming fools. I hope my replies
have given you a certain new insight into your personalities and
the rest of you some amusement.
As for "Rens" Holben <rensh@sci.kun.nl>,
>Pray to whatever you believe in that our paths
>will never cross.
[A quote from a post from what we call a "tard" in alt.tasteless.
If you're wondering, my public reply pointed out that while I'm
perfectly willing to use deadly force on him and that the
universe would be a nicer place without him in it, I didn't feel
like dealing with police and courts.]
I hope you have gotten the point that threatening people over the
Internet is a REAL bad idea... and the spam you are about to get
in your mailbox will be a constant reminder just how bad an idea
it is. You're lucky. If you'd targeted some newbie, that person
might have gone straight to her sysadmin and that person would
have contacted law enforcement agencies both here and in the
Netherlands AND your school and system administrators. I merely
dropped a suggestion into your fax machine. (If you haven't read
it, do so IMMEDIATELY...)
["Rens", or L.P.M. Holben went to a good deal of trouble to put
his user address into a header so that people with long-time
Internet experience would be able to find his real E-mail address
and spam generators wouldn't. My putting his real address in my
post negated all the trouble he took... spam generators by the hundreds
now have his e-mail address. My response to his threat was to dig him up
off the school's X.500 directory, get his fax number, and tell him via
mail-to-fax gateway that this was a bad idea, that the next threat would
be forwarded to law enforcement in the US and the Netherlands, his
school administration and his sysadmins. I have a zero tolerance for
this sort of crap and so should you.]
[Note: Saying to someone that you WANT to kill them or that they
OUGHT to be dead, fantasies about killing real people with their
real names (except elected officials), etc. are within your First
Amendment rights (US only). There's even legal precedent for
fantasies involving murder, degradation, rape starring a real
person. He was indicted. The charges WERE dropped. Not that I
recommend it. Hinting that you are planning to do something about
it or will do something about it if the opportunity permits,
unless you are in a newsgroup where that kind of speech is common
and accepted as humor is handing your enemy a tool he can use to
make as much trouble for him as he likes. It also gives that
enemy a reason to find out who you are and where you live, in
case he decides to bypass the legal process. Very stupid if your
name / address / phone number is publically accessible from the
Internet, and most are. Mine is NOT. Yours shoudn't be. (CHECK)]
Some questions I have will remain unanswered, e.g. just why a
person in a country without access to B&F programming would join
a Barney organization, and why that organization would accept
you.
I'm out of here. What I see here might be contagious. As my last
act before departing, I'm going to put an early Jihad fiction
piece for the enjoyment of the few enemies of Barney I've noticed
around here... Deathzone Barney... enjoy.
I'll also put Day of the Barney" on my Website somewhere.
[As you can see, I did just that. They're zip files because these
are long enough to make downloading and reading offline
reasonable.]
A.Lizard
End of quoted post
I desubscribed right after this post. Nothing like telling off an entire newsgroup.
OK, you've been warned. As I see it, the Jihad is dead, but its rotting corpse is still wandering around stinking up the landscape, animated by people who now do know better.
It's my considered opinion that hanging out on a.f.4d is not only a waste of time, but hazardous to your mental health, so if you try the place for a few days and find yourself humming "I love you, you love me"... don't blame me. The newsgroup link is here... if you've got the kind of sense of humor that enables you to read the TeamGates site without a technicolor yawn, maybe you can get a laugh or two at the expense of some truly clueless fools. Especially since if you move quickly, you might catch the responses to this post. Some time when I have the energy, I may put a site link to the Dejanews URL that will pull up these response posts. Read them? I've seen enough Barney related whines to last me a lifetime, thank you. I've also read a fair amount of hate mail and postings directed at me, that comes of being willing to take a stand and make controversial statements.
Might go through the hard drive for some old (early '90s) af4d (actually, alt.sex.bestiality crossposts to af4d) posts sometime and put them on this site, since as far as I know, the only other place to find them is on alt.tasteless archive sites. Yes, there actually was a time when crossposting from Barney newsgroups to outside newsgroups was frequently welcomed.
Oh, and a new link. A message to Barneyspammers. This is for the people who were offended by my post and want to whine about it in E-mail, it's the form letter anyone who does this will be getting. It's PGP signed to insure that anyone who wants to can verify the accuracy and authenticity of the file, since I expect it to wind up on the Barney newsgroups in any case. You can get PGP, either freeware or commercial from site links at PGP Inc. company Web site.